50 Hilarious Jokes From The Funniest Comedians Ever
Laughter is the best medicine, and these legendary comedians have mastered the art of making us burst into uncontrollable giggles. From sharp one-liners to absurd observations, here are 50 of the funniest jokes ever told by comedy greats like George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Dave Chappelle, and more.
1. George Carlin
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
2. Richard Pryor
“I went to a funeral the other day… and the guy wasn’t even dead yet! He was like, ‘Hey, what’s going on? Why am I in this box?’”
3. Dave Chappelle
“The worst thing to call somebody is ‘crazy.’ It’s dismissive. ‘I don’t understand this person, so they’re crazy.’ That’s bull. People are not crazy; they’re strong people… or maybe they’re just hungry.”
4. Mitch Hedberg
“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
5. Eddie Murphy
“My mother didn’t breastfeed me. She said she only liked me as a friend.”
6. Jerry Seinfeld
“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Does that sound right? That means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
7. Chris Rock
“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a Black guy, and the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese!”
8. Ellen DeGeneres
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.”
9. Robin Williams
“Why do they call it ‘rush hour’ when nothing moves?”
10. Louis C.K.
“You’re not a loser until you quit trying. I’ve been trying for 45 years, and I’m still a loser.”
11. Rodney Dangerfield
“I told my dentist my teeth were yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.”
12. Jim Gaffigan
“You know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning… and then someone hands you a baby.”
13. Kevin Hart
“My biggest fear is that my daughter will bring home a dude just like me.”
14. Tina Fey
“I’m not a feminist, but I do believe in the power of women. Especially when they’re holding a taser.”
15. Steven Wright
“I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen… and replaced by exact duplicates.”
16. Joan Rivers
“I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they’ll donate my body to Tupperware.”
17. Bill Burr
“Marriage is like a game of chess… except the board is made of lava, and the pieces are on fire… and you’re also on fire.”
18. Wanda Sykes
“I’m not cheap, I’m thrifty. Cheap is when your woman is in labor and you tell her, ‘Hold it in, we got a coupon for next week.’”
19. John Mulaney
“I don’t trust a kid who’s taller than me. You’re not a kid—you’re a spy for the other team.”
20. Ali Wong
“People say, ‘Sleep when the baby sleeps.’ Okay, but also… cook when the baby cooks, clean when the baby cleans.”
21. Patton Oswalt
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
22. Sarah Silverman
“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.”
23. Demetri Martin
“I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”
24. Amy Schumer
“I used to date a guy who was addicted to brake fluid. He said he could stop anytime he wanted.”
25. Brian Regan
“I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time.’ So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”
26. Norm Macdonald
“I’m not a gambler, but if I were, I’d bet on myself… which is why I’m broke.”
27. Tig Notaro
“I was the kind of kid who would go to a birthday party and be like, ‘I don’t know… clowns are kind of aggressive.’”
28. Bill Hicks
“I need my sleep. I need about eight hours a day, and about ten at night.”
29. Hannibal Buress
“I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.”
30. Bo Burnham
“I’m not saying I’m Batman… I’m just saying no one has ever seen me and Batman in the same room together.”
Bonus: 20 More Quick One-Liners
- Steven Wright – “I put instant coffee in the microwave… I almost went back in time.”
- Mitch Hedberg – “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
- Rodney Dangerfield – “I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth—that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”
- George Carlin – “If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?”
- Dave Chappelle – “The more you drive, the less intelligent you are.”
- Ellen DeGeneres – “I’m not short, I’m concentrated awesome.”
- Robin Williams – “You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.”
- Jim Gaffigan – “I like fruit, but it’s just nature’s candy. It’s like, ‘Here, have a banana… it’s basically a donut that hates you.’”
- Louis C.K. – “Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce.”
- Chris Rock – “A man is only as faithful as his options.”
- Joan Rivers – “I’ve had so many facelifts, I could sneeze and blow my wig off.”
- Kevin Hart – “My mom used to say, ‘If you fall, I’ll pick you up… after I finish laughing.’”
- John Mulaney – “I don’t trust joggers. They’re always running from something.”
- Wanda Sykes – “I don’t need easy. I just need possible.”
- Ali Wong – “The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we’re married to each other.”
- Patton Oswalt – “I love cats because they’re tiny little sociopaths.”
- Demetri Martin – “I like rice. Rice is great if you’re hungry and want 2,000 of something.”
- Bo Burnham – “If you can live your life without an audience… you should do it.”
- Hannibal Buress – “I don’t like to say I’m cheap, but I still have my Blockbuster card.”
- Tig Notaro – “I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.”
Final Thoughts
Comedy is a universal language, and these jokes prove that laughter never gets old. Whether it’s George Carlin’s sharp wit or Mitch Hedberg’s absurd genius, each comedian brings something unique to the table.
Which joke made you laugh the hardest? Let us know in the comments! And if you love comedy, share this list with your friends—because the world always needs more laughter. 😆
