‘Fun came before paying bills’: My brother-in-law is in his 70s and homeless. Are we responsible for him?

Addressing the Dilemma: Responsibility for a Homeless Brother-in-Law in His 70s

The situation you describe—where your brother-in-law, in his 70s and homeless, prioritized “fun” over financial responsibilities—raises complex emotional, ethical, and practical questions about family obligations. Based on the context from the MarketWatch article you referenced, which details a similar scenario, and broader insights into family caregiving dynamics, I’ll provide a balanced perspective on whether you’re responsible for him and what steps you might consider. The goal is to offer clarity while acknowledging the emotional weight of the situation, without assuming details not provided.

Understanding the Situation

The phrase “fun came before paying bills” suggests a history of financial irresponsibility, as highlighted in the MarketWatch story where the brother-in-law was described as having spent money on bars, women, and non-essential expenses, leading to repeated homelessness. The article notes he was even accused of taking items from friends’ homes, indicating trust issues that complicate family support. In your case, if your brother-in-law’s homelessness stems from similar choices—favoring leisure over stability—it’s understandable to feel conflicted about taking responsibility. His age (70s) adds urgency, as older adults face heightened health and safety risks when homeless, with over 70,000 Americans over 65 currently unhoused, a 50% increase since 2021.

Are You Responsible?

Legally, you are not obligated to support your brother-in-law unless you’ve explicitly agreed to be his guardian or have a contractual responsibility. In the U.S., family members are generally not legally required to provide housing or financial support to adult relatives, unlike in some countries where cultural norms expect siblings or in-laws to step in. Ethically and emotionally, however, the question is murkier. Here’s a breakdown:

• Moral Considerations: The MarketWatch advice column suggests that providing a “cushion” (like housing) can enable destructive behavior, as seen with the brother-in-law who repeatedly failed to hold jobs or pay rent. If your brother-in-law’s choices led to his situation, you might feel that bailing him out rewards irresponsibility. Conversely, his age and vulnerability could evoke guilt or a sense of duty, especially if he has no other support. Cultural expectations also vary—some families view elder care as a collective responsibility, while others prioritize personal boundaries.
• Practical Boundaries: Taking in a homeless relative can strain your finances, relationships, and mental health. A Reddit user’s experience with a homeless brother highlights the stress of housing someone untrustworthy, citing concerns about safety around family members. Another case describes a sister refusing to house her brother due to his lack of respect for property, a sentiment echoed by over 1,400 commenters who supported her decision. If your brother-in-law has a history of unreliability, these examples suggest setting firm boundaries to protect your household.
• Health and Mental Health Factors: Homelessness in older age often ties to economic vulnerability, addiction, or mental health issues, as seen with late baby boomers facing job competition and addiction challenges. If your brother-in-law’s behavior stems from untreated conditions (e.g., addiction, as in the cocaine case from the ADFAM forum), enabling him without addressing root causes may not help. A New Yorker piece on a homeless brother describes the emotional toll of trying to “fix” someone who may resist help, suggesting professional intervention over family burden.

Steps to Consider

Rather than assuming full responsibility, you can explore supportive yet boundary-conscious options, drawing from practical advice in the references:

1. Assess His Needs and Willingness to Change: Engage in a candid conversation to understand his situation—health, finances, and reasons for homelessness. If mental health or addiction is a factor, professional help is critical. The National Alliance to End Homelessness recommends contacting local homeless response systems, such as a 2-1-1 hotline, to connect him with shelters or services.
2. Set Clear Boundaries: If you consider housing him, establish rules, as suggested in the Red Deer Advocate column, like a curfew or rent contribution from any income (e.g., Social Security, which averages $1,700/month for retirees). A Reddit user’s experience with a brother who broke agreements (e.g., not job-hunting) led to eviction, underscoring the need for enforceable terms.
3. Connect Him to Resources: Instead of direct support, guide him to social services. The U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) offers programs for elderly homeless individuals, including subsidized housing and healthcare access. Local Continuums of Care (CoCs) can provide shelter and case management. If he’s a veteran, VA programs offer specialized support.
4. Seek Professional Guidance: A joint session with a counselor, as suggested in the Red Deer Advocate, can clarify how to help without enabling. If he resists, you’ve done your part by offering resources, as one caregiver learned after years of guilt over a homeless sibling.
5. Protect Your Well-Being: Caregiving can be draining, as a Working Daughter post notes, with siblings often resenting those who take on disproportionate roles. A woman who refused to house her mother-in-law cited her “sanctuary” as non-negotiable, a sentiment you might share. Discuss with your spouse to align on boundaries, as disagreements can strain marriages.

Potential Impacts

• Taking Him In: Could provide temporary relief but risks enabling dependency or disrupting your household, especially if trust issues (like theft) arise, as in the MarketWatch case.
• Not Helping: May lead to guilt or family criticism, as seen in Reddit threads where siblings blamed each other for not stepping up. However, it preserves your resources and mental health.
• Middle Ground: Connecting him to services balances compassion with boundaries, though success depends on his cooperation, which may be limited given his history.

Next Steps

• Immediate Action: Call 2-1-1 or contact your local CoC to find shelters or social workers for him. Check if he qualifies for Social Security or Medicaid to cover basic needs.
• Family Discussion: Consult other relatives to share responsibility, avoiding the “family savior” trap one caregiver described.
• Monitor Outcomes: If he accepts help, track his engagement with services. If he refuses, document your efforts to mitigate future guilt, as advised in caregiving forums.

Conclusion

You are not legally or morally obligated to take in your brother-in-law, especially if his homelessness results from decades of prioritizing “fun” over bills. His age and vulnerability may tug at your heart, but enabling past behavior risks harm to your household. By connecting him to resources like shelters, social services, or counseling, you can offer support without sacrificing your boundaries. The takeaway: Compassion doesn’t mean carrying his burden—point him to help, set clear limits, and prioritize your peace, knowing you’ve acted thoughtfully in a tough situation.