Choosing an Executor: A Guide for Parents in Their 80s Deciding Between Two Children
As you enter your 80s, planning for the future becomes an act of love and responsibility, ensuring your wishes are honored and your legacy is passed on smoothly. One of the most critical decisions in estate planning is selecting an executor—the person responsible for carrying out your will, settling your estate, and ensuring your final instructions are followed. For parents with two children, this choice can feel daunting, especially when both are capable and cherished. The decision isn’t just about logistics; it’s deeply personal, intertwined with family dynamics, emotions, and the desire to maintain harmony after you’re gone.
This guide is designed for someone in their 80s, like you, navigating the delicate task of choosing between two children to serve as executor. We’ll explore the role of an executor, key factors to consider, potential challenges, and practical steps to make an informed decision that aligns with your values and protects your family’s unity. By approaching this thoughtfully, you can create a plan that reflects your wishes and fosters peace among your loved ones.
Understanding the Executor’s Role
Before choosing between your children, it’s essential to understand what an executor does. An executor is the person named in your will to manage your estate after your passing. Their responsibilities include:
- Locating and Managing Assets: Identifying all your assets (bank accounts, real estate, investments, personal property) and safeguarding them during the probate process.
- Paying Debts and Taxes: Settling outstanding debts, filing final income tax returns, and paying estate taxes, if applicable.
- Distributing Assets: Ensuring your assets are distributed to beneficiaries according to your will.
- Handling Legal Processes: Navigating probate court, filing necessary paperwork, and addressing any legal challenges to the will.
- Communicating with Beneficiaries: Keeping heirs informed and managing expectations, which can be emotionally charged.
The executor role requires organizational skills, financial literacy, emotional resilience, and time. Depending on the complexity of your estate, the process can take months or even years. In the U.S., probate typically takes 9–18 months for straightforward estates, but disputes or complex assets can extend this timeline. Executors may also face emotional strain, as they manage family dynamics while grieving your loss.
Given your age, your children are likely adults, possibly in their 50s or 60s, with their own families, careers, and responsibilities. The executor you choose must be willing and able to take on this role, balancing their personal life with the demands of estate administration.
Key Factors to Consider When Choosing an Executor
Selecting an executor involves evaluating practical, emotional, and relational factors. Below are the most important considerations to guide your decision.
1. Competence and Organizational Skills
The executor must be detail-oriented, capable of managing paperwork, deadlines, and financial matters. Consider which of your children is better suited to:
- Financial Acumen: Does one child have experience with budgeting, taxes, or investments? For example, a child who works in finance or runs a business may be more comfortable handling estate accounts.
- Organizational Ability: Is one child more methodical, keeping records and meeting deadlines? A disorganized executor could delay probate or make errors.
- Time Availability: Does one child have a demanding career, young children, or health issues that limit their time? The executor role requires significant commitment, especially in the first year.
Reflect on your children’s strengths. For instance, if one is a teacher with summers off, they may have more flexibility than a child running a startup. However, don’t assume competence based solely on profession—personal traits like reliability matter equally.
2. Emotional Stability and Resilience
Administering an estate can be emotionally taxing, especially during grief. The executor may face pressure from beneficiaries, disputes over assets, or unexpected challenges like creditors. Consider:
- Emotional Maturity: Which child handles stress calmly? A child prone to anxiety or conflict may struggle with the role.
- Impartiality: Can they remain neutral if tensions arise among beneficiaries? For example, if your will divides assets unequally, the executor must enforce your wishes without bias.
- Grief Management: How might each child cope with your passing? Some individuals channel grief into action, while others may need time to process, delaying estate tasks.
If one child is more emotionally resilient or has experience managing crises (e.g., caring for a sick relative), they may be better equipped to serve as executor.
3. Geographic Proximity
While not a requirement, living near your primary residence or assets can make the executor’s job easier. Tasks like securing your home, meeting with local attorneys, or appraising property are simpler in person. If one child lives nearby and the other is across the country or abroad, the local child may face fewer logistical hurdles.
However, technology (e.g., virtual meetings, e-filing) has reduced the importance of proximity. If the distant child is otherwise better suited, they can still serve effectively with proper support, such as hiring a local attorney or estate professional.
4. Relationship with Other Beneficiaries
Family dynamics play a significant role in estate administration. The executor must communicate with beneficiaries, manage expectations, and sometimes mediate disputes. Consider:
- Siblings’ Relationship: Do your children get along? If there’s tension, appointing one as executor could exacerbate it, especially if the other feels overlooked.
- Perceived Fairness: Will the non-executor child feel slighted? Even if unintended, the choice can be interpreted as favoritism.
- Communication Skills: Which child is better at keeping others informed and resolving conflicts diplomatically?
If one child is a natural peacemaker or trusted by the family, they may be better suited to maintain harmony. Conversely, if one child is estranged or has a history of conflict, their appointment could spark resentment.
5. Willingness to Serve
Being an executor is a voluntary role, and not everyone is eager to take it on. Some may feel honored, while others see it as a burden. Before deciding, ask each child privately if they’re willing to serve. Frame the conversation gently, emphasizing that it’s okay to decline if they feel unprepared. For example:
- “I’m updating my will and considering you as a possible executor. It’s a big responsibility, and I want to make sure it’s something you’d feel comfortable doing. Can you give me your thoughts?”
Their response will reveal their enthusiasm, concerns, or hesitation, providing valuable insight.
6. Health and Longevity
Given your age, your children are likely middle-aged or older, so their health is a factor. An executor with chronic illness or mobility issues may struggle with the role’s physical or mental demands. While it’s uncomfortable to assess, consider which child is in better health to handle stress and complete the process.
7. Alignment with Your Values
The executor must honor your wishes, even if they disagree. If your will includes specific instructions—e.g., donating to a cause, selling a family home, or distributing sentimental items—choose a child who respects your priorities. For example, if one child shares your commitment to a religious or charitable cause, they may be more motivated to fulfill related bequests.
8. Experience or Familiarity with Your Estate
If one child has helped with your finances—e.g., managing bills, taxes, or caregiving—they may already understand your assets and wishes, giving them a head start. Similarly, if one has experience as an executor for another relative, they’ll know the process, reducing the learning curve.
Potential Challenges and How to Address Them
Choosing between two children can create emotional and practical challenges. Below are common concerns and strategies to navigate them.
1. Risk of Hurt Feelings or Favoritism
Appointing one child may unintentionally signal that you trust them more, straining sibling relationships. To mitigate this:
- Communicate Your Reasoning: Explain your choice to both children, focusing on practical factors like time or skills, not personal preference. For example: “I chose [Child A] because they live nearby and have accounting experience, but I deeply value both of you.”
- Assign Complementary Roles: If one child isn’t executor, consider other roles, like power of attorney for healthcare or trustee of a family trust, to balance responsibilities.
- Co-Executors: Naming both children as co-executors is an option, but it’s risky unless they collaborate well. Co-executors must agree on all decisions, and disagreements can delay probate or require court intervention. Only choose this if they’re highly cooperative and complementary in skills.
2. Unequal Estate Division
If your will divides assets unequally (e.g., one child receives more due to financial need or caregiving contributions), the executor may face pushback from the other. Choose an executor who can enforce your wishes impartially, even under pressure. Discuss your intentions with both children while alive to reduce surprises and resentment later.
3. Complex Estates
If your estate includes businesses, multiple properties, or international assets, the executor’s job becomes more complex. If neither child has relevant expertise, consider appointing a professional executor (e.g., an attorney or bank trust department) and discuss this with your children to avoid misinterpretation as distrust.
4. Family Disputes
If your children have a strained relationship, the executor role could become a lightning rod for conflict. In such cases, a neutral third party, like a trusted friend or professional, may be a safer choice. Alternatively, hire an estate attorney to support the executor, reducing their personal involvement in disputes.
Steps to Make Your Decision
Now that you’ve considered the factors and challenges, follow these steps to choose your executor thoughtfully:
- Assess Your Estate’s Needs
Review your assets, debts, and will with an estate planning attorney to understand the executor’s workload. For example, a simple estate with a single home and bank accounts is less demanding than one with investments, rental properties, or collectibles. This clarity will help you match the role to your children’s capabilities. - Evaluate Each Child Objectively
Create a private list comparing each child’s strengths and weaknesses across the factors (competence, emotional stability, proximity, etc.). Be honest but compassionate. For example:
- Child A: Lives locally, accountant, calm under pressure, but busy with work.
- Child B: Lives far, empathetic, great communicator, but less organized.
- Have Private Conversations
Meet with each child individually to discuss their willingness and comfort with the role. Avoid comparing them or sharing your leanings prematurely. Ask open-ended questions like:
- “How would you feel about managing my estate if I chose you as executor?”
- “What concerns might you have about taking on this responsibility?”
- Consider Family Dynamics
Reflect on how your choice might impact sibling relationships. If one child is likely to feel hurt, plan how to address this through communication or alternative roles. Consult a family therapist or mediator if tensions are high. - Consult Professionals
Meet with an estate planning attorney to discuss your options. They can explain legal nuances (e.g., state probate laws) and suggest solutions like co-executors or professional support. A financial advisor can also assess whether your estate’s complexity requires specialized skills. - Test Your Decision
Imagine each child as executor. Visualize how they’d handle tasks like selling your home, resolving disputes, or filing taxes. If one scenario feels more reassuring, that’s a strong indicator. - Document Your Choice
Once decided, include the executor’s name in your will, drafted or updated by an attorney. Specify a backup executor (e.g., the other child or a professional) in case your first choice can’t serve. Inform both children of your decision and explain your reasoning to promote transparency. - Provide Support for the Executor
Ease their burden by organizing your financial records, creating a list of assets and accounts, and sharing key contacts (e.g., attorney, accountant). Consider funding estate administration costs in your will to cover legal fees or professional help. - Revisit Periodically
Life changes—retirement, health shifts, or family events—may prompt you to reassess. Review your choice every 3–5 years or after major life events, ensuring it still aligns with your estate’s needs and your children’s circumstances.
Alternative Options
If choosing between your children feels too challenging, consider these alternatives:
- Professional Executor: Banks, trust companies, or estate attorneys can serve as executors for a fee (typically 1–5% of estate value). This is ideal for complex estates or to avoid family conflict. Discuss this with your children to avoid hurt feelings.
- Trusted Friend or Relative: A neutral third party, like a sibling or cousin, may be a compromise if neither child is suitable.
- Co-Executors with Oversight: If you want both children, pair them with a professional to streamline decisions and reduce conflict.
Communicating Your Decision
Once you’ve made your choice, communicate it thoughtfully to both children. A face-to-face meeting (or virtual call) is ideal, allowing you to express your reasoning and reassure them of your love for them. For example:
“ “I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my will because I want to make things as smooth as possible for both of you. I’ve chosen [Child A] as executor because they’re nearby and have accounting experience, which matches my estate’s needs. [Child B], I’d love for you to take on [alternative role, e.g., managing family heirlooms], because your strengths in [specific trait] are so valuable. I love you both equally, and this is about logistics, not preference. Can we talk about how you feel?””
This approach emphasizes fairness, acknowledges both children’s value, and invites dialogue to address concerns.
Maintaining Family Harmony
Your decision is as much about preserving family unity as it is about estate administration. To support this:
- Be Transparent: Share key aspects of your will (e.g., major bequests) with both children to prevent surprises that could breed resentment.
- Encourage Collaboration: Suggest the executor consult their sibling on major decisions, even if not legally required, to foster inclusion.
- Address Unequal Bequests: If your will favors one child (e.g., due to caregiving), explain this in a letter of intent attached to your will, clarifying it’s not favoritism but a reflection of specific circumstances.
- Seek Family Input: If appropriate, ask your children for their thoughts on estate matters before finalizing your will. This can make them feel valued and reduce future tension.
Emotional Considerations for Parents in Their 80s
At in your 80s, you’ve likely spent decades nurturing your children, celebrating their unique qualities, and navigating their differences. Choosing an executor can feel like judging them, but it’s not—it’s about finding the best fit for a specific role. Acknowledge your emotional complexity of this decision:
- Guilt or Worry: It’s normal to worry about hurting one child’s feelings. Reframe this as an act of care, protecting your family’s future.
- Legacy: Your choice reflects your love, ensuring your wishes are honored and your children are supported.
- Gratitude: Take pride in raising two capable adults. Even if one is executor, both contribute to your legacy.
If the decision stirs up complex emotions, journal your thoughts or speak with a trusted friend, clergy member, or therapist. This can help you gain clarity and peace.
Conclusion
Choosing between your two children to serve as your executor is a significant decision, but with thoughtful reflection, you can make a choice that honors your wishes and strengthens your family’s bond. As someone in your 80s, you bring a lifetime of wisdom to this process, balancing practical needs with emotional care. By evaluating your children’s skills, emotional resilience, and willingness, and by considering family dynamics and seeking professional guidance, you can select an executor who will carry out your legacy with integrity.
Take your time, communicate openly, and trust your instincts. Your decision is an act of love, ensuring your estate is handled responsibly while fostering peace among your children. With a clear plan, you can focus on enjoying your time with your family, confident that your legacy is secure.
