When my friend was on her deathbed, her parents took $25,000 in cash and won’t give it to her son. Do we tell him?

Deciding whether to tell your friend’s son about his grandparents taking $25,000 in cash is a delicate situation that depends on several factors, including your relationship with the son, the family dynamics, and the potential consequences. Here’s a breakdown to help you navigate this:

Considerations

1. Your Friend’s Wishes: Did your friend express any intentions for the money before passing? If she wanted it to go to her son, that could weigh heavily in favor of informing him. If her wishes were unclear, you might need to consider what she would have wanted based on your knowledge of her.
2. The Son’s Right to Know: Legally and ethically, if the money was your friend’s property, it should likely pass to her son, especially if she had no will specifying otherwise. In many jurisdictions, inheritance laws prioritize immediate family like children. The grandparents taking the money could be seen as withholding his rightful inheritance, especially if they’re not using it for his benefit.
3. Family Dynamics: Telling the son could strain or even fracture his relationship with his grandparents, especially if they’re not forthcoming about the money. Consider their reasons for taking it—were they covering medical or funeral expenses, or is it possible they’re holding it for another purpose? Understanding their intent (if possible) might clarify whether their actions were malicious or misguided.
4. Your Role and Relationship: How close are you to the son, and how old is he? If he’s a minor, you might need to approach this differently, perhaps involving a trusted adult or legal guardian. If he’s an adult, he may have a right to know, but your involvement could put you in the middle of family conflict. Reflect on whether you’re the best person to deliver this news or if someone closer to the family should step in.
5. Potential Outcomes:

• If you tell him: He might confront his grandparents, which could lead to recovering the money but also cause emotional fallout. If he’s unaware of the money, he might feel betrayed by both his grandparents and you for not speaking up sooner.
• If you don’t tell him: You risk him finding out later (e.g., through other family members or financial records), which could lead to resentment for keeping it from him. It might also allow the grandparents to misuse or withhold the funds indefinitely.

1. Legal and Ethical Implications: Taking $25,000 in cash without legal authority could constitute theft or breach of fiduciary duty, especially if the money was part of your friend’s estate. If there’s no will, the son may have a legal claim. You might consider consulting a lawyer to understand the son’s rights and whether you have standing to act (e.g., as a witness to the money’s existence).

Suggested Steps

1. Gather Information:

• Confirm the details: Was the $25,000 definitely your friend’s, and did you witness the parents taking it? Any evidence (e.g., conversations, receipts, or other witnesses) could strengthen the case if it comes to legal action.
• Try to understand the grandparents’ side discreetly. For example, ask neutral questions to see if they mention the money or its purpose (e.g., “How are you handling [friend’s] affairs?”).

1. Assess the Son’s Situation:

• If he’s young or emotionally vulnerable, consider discussing this with another trusted family member or friend who can support him.
• If he’s an adult, weigh whether he’d want to know about potential wrongdoing versus staying out of family disputes.

1. Consider a Gentle Approach:

• Instead of directly accusing the grandparents, you could start by mentioning to the son that you’re aware of some financial matters related to his mother and ask if he’s been informed about her assets. This opens the door without immediately escalating tensions.
• Example: “I know your mom had some cash she kept for emergencies. Have your grandparents mentioned anything about her finances?”

1. Consult a Professional:

• A lawyer or estate planner could advise on whether the son has a legal claim and how to approach it. This is especially important if the grandparents refuse to discuss the money.
• If you’re hesitant to get involved directly, you could encourage the son to seek legal advice himself, framing it as ensuring his mother’s wishes are honored.

1. Protect Yourself:

• Be cautious about how you present this information to avoid being seen as meddling or stirring conflict. Document any conversations or observations about the money to protect yourself if disputes arise.
• If you feel unsafe or anticipate backlash, consider sharing the information anonymously (e.g., through a letter to the son or a lawyer) or involving a neutral third party.

Recommendation

If you believe the money rightfully belongs to the son and your friend would have wanted him to have it, it’s generally ethical to inform him, especially if he’s an adult. However, approach it with sensitivity to avoid unnecessary conflict. Start by gathering more context (e.g., the grandparents’ intentions or any legal documentation like a will). If possible, have a private, empathetic conversation with the son, framing it as looking out for his interests rather than accusing the grandparents outright. For example: “I wanted to check in because I know your mom had some savings, and I’m not sure if you’ve been told about them. I just want to make sure everything’s being handled the way she’d have wanted.”

If the situation feels too complex or risky, consider encouraging the son to consult a probate attorney to investigate his mother’s estate, which could uncover the money without you directly intervening. This balances your duty to your friend’s memory with minimizing personal involvement in family disputes.

If you’re unsure about specifics (e.g., the son’s age, the grandparents’ motives, or your friend’s intentions), let me know, and I can tailor the advice further.